Diminished Blogging Opportunities
I realize that every week, I begin my post by saying how busy I was during the previous week and this weekend is no different. Except, I was exhausted enough this weekend to have to spend a couple hours napping on Saturday afternoon to try and recover. I am feeling better today, just in time to prepare for the week ahead.
K did well all week. I had a bit of a hell week. My organization was part of a giant government emergency management exercise, and I ended up having to coordinate a lot of the work. That also translated into working 13 hours on Wednesday as part of the exercise. But I think that the evaluators are going to rate us relatively well. Not great, but there were things that I was unable to fix at the last minute. But we did not embarrass ourselves. It did mean that I wasn't around a lot and when I was around, I felt ill from stress. I'm also somewhat stressed about this upcoming week, as the new boss starts on Monday. However, I'm working on getting through it all.
Although K did well, there were a few rough spots. Friday morning, she became very frustrated and angry, but was still able to go to the office. And then ended up having a good day. During the week, she was able to build a spending plan for the two of us. That has been something that I have been unable to do and I am thrilled that she took the lead. The other good news is that she used to be unable to deal with our expenditures and now she's building the spreadsheets.
Yesterday, she was on the phone with her sister. We have plans to go visit her family in a few weeks. Unfortunately, K's cousin and her family intends on visiting the same weekend. K gets along very well with her cousin, but K would like to have her parents to herself, as she sees them so infrequently. Any case, K's sister spoke way out of turn talking about how upset their mother is with K being gay and how to handle it with the cousin. Well, the cousin has known that K is gay longer than K's parents, which is going on 15 years. K's sister told K how happy K ought to be with the level of tolerance the parents are showing. K was stunned and hurt. Her family is one, where these things can never be discussed publicly. Personally, I believe that K's parents are okay with her sexuality and that the sister misrepresented the whole conversation. The conversation with the sister got worse as she talked about how worried their parents were throughout K's 15 year marriage, etc.
I've tangled with K's sister before. K's sister believes that it is her responsibility to manage K and keep K from doing anything that may upset their parents. My attitude is that the sister does not and should not control access to K's parents. I told K that next time she wants to know what her parents think about something that she needs to go directly to them rather than through her sister. K was trying to find out more about the cousin's visit, and it turned into a distressing conversation. By the time K hung up, she was prepared to cancel the entire trip. I don't think that we are going to do that, but I am pretty angry as well. The other thing is that the sister is the one with the baby niece, who K loves. So that makes K feel a bit as if she can't get in a fight with her sister without endangering access to the niece. A big, bloody mess.
The good part is that by this morning, K was able to think clearly about the whole conversation and ignore what her sister had to say. Her parents have made it very clear that they are proud of her and have accepted me as a member of the family. (Throughout the entire conversation, K's sister emphasized how much they all like me.) I think that K needs to focus on her parents actions, not on misrepresentations from the sister. I think K has reached the same conclusion.
Then today, we were coming home from breakfast and shopping and went to pull into our alley. Due to a construction project gone bad, we only have one access point into our alley, instead of two. Frequently, the access is blocked by illegally parked cars. The drivers park them for a moment to run into a friend's house or the local ethopian coffee shop. For us, it is a flashpoint. This time K's temper got the best of her and she yelled at the woman that if she parks there again, K will blow up the car.
These exhibits of rage always take me by surprise. I expect that they should be over by now. Instead, there are infrequent flashes of it when K gets overtired or hungry. I don't even know if they are easier for me to bear. What I have learned over the years is that they don't last. K is currently down for a nap and she'll probably be fine when she wakes. But those minutes when we are going through the episode are agonizing. I can understand that K wants to yell at the inconsiderate driver. I don't even have a particular problem with it. I do draw the line at threats. That's where it moves to inappropriate and dangerous. We live in a city where people are killed or injured for such language. Of course, K is well aware of it. She usually curbs her tongue when she's worried about physical retaliation.
I don't feel helpless in the face of these episodes, but I still hate them. I'm still surprised that after all the progress that K has made, that the disease is still capable of taking over her brain and causing these reactions. It's the K that I don't like. It's the one that is made of stone and doesn't care what her impact is on others. And to me, it is the one that I never seem to know.
Tensions
Perhaps, I should find something better to do with my time at 10 pm on a Saturday night, but at the moment, my activity is writing this entry. K and I have had a busy and tiring week, and are taking some time this weekend to try and recover.
Last weekend, we babysat the 5.5 month old niece for three days. It went very well, other than that she screamed each time we tried to feed her. But she did sleep 8-10 hours each night. Still, we were exhausted from the additional responsibilities. It wasn't a great feeling to start off on Monday morning feeling worn out. K had her cardiac stress test on Monday and did very well, except for the drop in blood pressure and panic attack from the test.
What proved to be the challenge for the week was K's reaction to my job. In my new job, I have access to the top people in a 13,000 person organization. I work for one of the top executives as a special assistant. K's jealous. She's not interested in doing the job or anything, but she feels diminished by my new position.
I went to her therapist with her today to discuss the issue. We had a blowout on it Wednesday night, where K got very angry with me or with herself. In any case, the results weren't good and K ended up missing work on Thursday as a result. K admitted that she is struggling with my new position. She's proud of me, but my success brings up her feelings of inadequacy. We moved towards resolving them.
K admitted that she doesn't want my job. She wouldn't like it nor does it play to her strengths. I have to say that the job has me very edgy as well. It's high-profile and if I screw up it will not go unnoticed. One example is this upcoming week will be especially bad, as we are doing a giant exercise. It's an exercise that we should have been prepared to do and are not. I've spent the past week trying to prepare what should have been done incrementally over a period of months. Not a good situation. Unfortunately, I have also gotten a key role in the exercise, which I shouldn't have. But I'll survive.
We talked through it with the therapist and K and I felt better afterwards. K is working on seeing that even when I am successful, my success doesn't diminish her or cut her out of my life. That's not what I want. She is not a second-class citizen, which is how she feels. We've gotten through so much together and we will continue to do so.
Exhausting, Crazy Week
Things have been good, but crazy. K's doing great. We saw the psychiatrist today and he was very pleased. In fact, he used words like "wonderful" and "amazing". K was commenting on how suddenly she feels able to do all these things that she wasn't able to do previously. Things like ride the bus without fear or anxiety, work out with a personal trainer, and spend time with friends. He said that what happened is that the hard work that she has put in over the past couple of years is finally paying off.
What he said (which sounds a bit odd) is that the brain cells had to be retrained after her illness in order to do these things. He said that the cells are complex and take a very long time to retrain. But that K's managed to do it.
What he emphasized this visit and had not previously emphasized was that bipolar is a cyclical disease. K's doing very well now, but she still may be hit with a bad cycle again at some point. This is a bit different than things he's told us previously. Before he said that the heart attack and K's extended untreated depression afterwards were the triggers for her bipolar disorder back in 2003. Now, he seems to be saying regardless of how well she's doing, the bipolar still may come back around to bite her in the ass. He did say that it may not happen or that the next episode may be very mild compared to the last bout. Either way though, we don't want to hear it. We want to hear that it was an exceptional event, which will never occur again. Perhaps that is wishful thinking. I guess it is wishful thinking. However, neither of us is planning on worrying excessively. Instead, we'll assume that she will be well enough to handle whatever comes along.
I finally started a new job this past Monday. It is in my same organization and only a 4 month assignment. But I have significantly more power and it will be a great developmental opportunity. I'm hoping that I can use it to spring to another job somewhere else. Not an unreasonable hope.
The thing is that my new job is very high-profile and political. I already have been warned about a number of people in the organization and know that there are others who won't cooperate with me. I have been stressed and anxious this week, but I'm hoping it goes well. I keep worrying that I will be shipped back to my old job. I'm more enthusiastic about my new position than I was initially, but in many ways it remains the lesser of two evils. However, it will be a great line on my resume.
The other thing is about the new job, K's a bit envious. One reason is due to the nature of the job that it is prestigious and high-profile. Second reason that there is a problem is that I am working for the guy, who put her through hell with her reorg last summer. She remains very bitter and doesn't want me to like the guy. It's awkward when you work for someone not to like them in the least. The thing is that I do like the guy, I'm just not sure that he should be leading a 4500 person organization. But he's being replaced in a couple of weeks with someone else. That's part of the problem, no one in the organization knows their roles and everyone, including me, is jostling for positions and power. I've already begun working a couple of contacts to try and get in a good word for me with the new guy.
Moving on from organizational politics. . . More exciting to K, the infant niece has shown up for the weekend. She arrived last night wailing after a long day in the car. Today we took her to the psychiatrist with us and went to breakfast afterwards. Now, she and K are both upstairs taking much needed naps.
Even a few months ago, it would have been difficult for me to contemplate changing my job due to the effect that it would have on K. It's a sign of progress that she's been able to adapt and not freak out about the impact it is having on her routine. Rather, she's excited that I will no longer be using the car every day and will limit the impact it has on the environment.
Things are going really well and I am trying to take the time to enjoy them and acknowledge how hard we have struggled to achieve this state.
Responsibilities of the Patient
Over the months, K and I have had a number of discussions regarding the responsibility of someone, who is ill. During the throes of illness, it becomes difficult to know when a caretaker should give up and when they should continue to fight. All activities become overwhelming and difficult instead of being able to easily move from one thing to another. One of the most prominent memories that I retain from K's illness is a feeling of complete exhaustion. Much of that time is in a memory haze or fog. I believe that the fog is my body and mind protecting itself from the pain that the memories bring.
But let me return to my topic. At what point does a caretaker have the responsibility to say, "I can no longer do this."?
I strongly believe that the patient has the responsibility to do as much as they can to get better. Some days that may mean that they are only able to swallow their medication when it is handed to them. Other days, it may mean going to a therapist or calling the doctor. The responsibilities should be determined by the patient's illness and limitations. However, my key message is that the patient has a responsibility to try and get better.
If there is no effort on the part of the patient, how can the caretaker keep going? Mental illness is not a disease that can be cured by outside forces. It is necessary to have external involvement to make it possible for the patient to address their problems. For example, someone needs to be on medication before they can begin to change their habits to reduce the likelihood of another episode. But, in the end, the changes have to come from the patient.
I believe that there are firm guidelines as well regarding the role of caretaker. I'm not willing to remain in any situation when my safety may be compromised or I am subject to either emotional or physical abuse. There was also a point when I had to admit that it was time for me to get help. K's illness was having a profound effect on my ability to function and I was not longer able to go it alone. The third thing is really the idea that the patient has to continue to help themselves.
L's Caretaker Tenants1. Never accept any type of threat to personal safety from the patient.
2. Never accept physical or emotional abuse from the patient.
3. Realize that you cannot do it all and accept help, either personal or professional.
4. The patient must be willing to help his- or herself.
These are tenants that K agrees with. She feels that I have no obligation to remain if she's unwilling to do anything for herself. We are fortunate in that we didn't have children in the house or other obligations throughout the period of K's episode. Instead, we were able to focus on her health. Other obligations change the mix and make it more difficult to focus on the one, who is mentally ill.
These are really some thoughts that have been swirling in my head over the past few months and it seemed to be the time to put them out here.
