synergy

Diminished Blogging Opportunities

I realize that every week, I begin my post by saying how busy I was during the previous week and this weekend is no different. Except, I was exhausted enough this weekend to have to spend a couple hours napping on Saturday afternoon to try and recover. I am feeling better today, just in time to prepare for the week ahead.

K did well all week. I had a bit of a hell week. My organization was part of a giant government emergency management exercise, and I ended up having to coordinate a lot of the work. That also translated into working 13 hours on Wednesday as part of the exercise. But I think that the evaluators are going to rate us relatively well. Not great, but there were things that I was unable to fix at the last minute. But we did not embarrass ourselves. It did mean that I wasn't around a lot and when I was around, I felt ill from stress. I'm also somewhat stressed about this upcoming week, as the new boss starts on Monday. However, I'm working on getting through it all.

Although K did well, there were a few rough spots. Friday morning, she became very frustrated and angry, but was still able to go to the office. And then ended up having a good day. During the week, she was able to build a spending plan for the two of us. That has been something that I have been unable to do and I am thrilled that she took the lead. The other good news is that she used to be unable to deal with our expenditures and now she's building the spreadsheets.

Yesterday, she was on the phone with her sister. We have plans to go visit her family in a few weeks. Unfortunately, K's cousin and her family intends on visiting the same weekend. K gets along very well with her cousin, but K would like to have her parents to herself, as she sees them so infrequently. Any case, K's sister spoke way out of turn talking about how upset their mother is with K being gay and how to handle it with the cousin. Well, the cousin has known that K is gay longer than K's parents, which is going on 15 years. K's sister told K how happy K ought to be with the level of tolerance the parents are showing. K was stunned and hurt. Her family is one, where these things can never be discussed publicly. Personally, I believe that K's parents are okay with her sexuality and that the sister misrepresented the whole conversation. The conversation with the sister got worse as she talked about how worried their parents were throughout K's 15 year marriage, etc.

I've tangled with K's sister before. K's sister believes that it is her responsibility to manage K and keep K from doing anything that may upset their parents. My attitude is that the sister does not and should not control access to K's parents. I told K that next time she wants to know what her parents think about something that she needs to go directly to them rather than through her sister. K was trying to find out more about the cousin's visit, and it turned into a distressing conversation. By the time K hung up, she was prepared to cancel the entire trip. I don't think that we are going to do that, but I am pretty angry as well. The other thing is that the sister is the one with the baby niece, who K loves. So that makes K feel a bit as if she can't get in a fight with her sister without endangering access to the niece. A big, bloody mess.

The good part is that by this morning, K was able to think clearly about the whole conversation and ignore what her sister had to say. Her parents have made it very clear that they are proud of her and have accepted me as a member of the family. (Throughout the entire conversation, K's sister emphasized how much they all like me.) I think that K needs to focus on her parents actions, not on misrepresentations from the sister. I think K has reached the same conclusion.

Then today, we were coming home from breakfast and shopping and went to pull into our alley. Due to a construction project gone bad, we only have one access point into our alley, instead of two. Frequently, the access is blocked by illegally parked cars. The drivers park them for a moment to run into a friend's house or the local ethopian coffee shop. For us, it is a flashpoint. This time K's temper got the best of her and she yelled at the woman that if she parks there again, K will blow up the car.

These exhibits of rage always take me by surprise. I expect that they should be over by now. Instead, there are infrequent flashes of it when K gets overtired or hungry. I don't even know if they are easier for me to bear. What I have learned over the years is that they don't last. K is currently down for a nap and she'll probably be fine when she wakes. But those minutes when we are going through the episode are agonizing. I can understand that K wants to yell at the inconsiderate driver. I don't even have a particular problem with it. I do draw the line at threats. That's where it moves to inappropriate and dangerous. We live in a city where people are killed or injured for such language. Of course, K is well aware of it. She usually curbs her tongue when she's worried about physical retaliation.

I don't feel helpless in the face of these episodes, but I still hate them. I'm still surprised that after all the progress that K has made, that the disease is still capable of taking over her brain and causing these reactions. It's the K that I don't like. It's the one that is made of stone and doesn't care what her impact is on others. And to me, it is the one that I never seem to know.

posted by synergy @ 1:45 PM