Exhaustion
I have a level of exhaustion that I can't seem to shake. K and I both stayed home yesterday and slept. But even though I rose at noon, I still felt drained throughout the day. I'm at work today, but I still feel fuzzy headed and unable to concentrate on my work. I want to put it down to "that time of the month", but in the back of my brain, I feel that I'm making an excuse for how I feel.
K's probably feeling even worse than I do. She stayed home again today to sleep.
I don't have an explanation. I spent a lot of time over the Thanksgiving weekend running around with my mother. By Sunday, I was tired and we dragged ourselves off to see
Pride and Prejudice I highly recommend the movie.
The basement is nearing completion and only requires a few more hours of work. But every interaction with the contractors is draining. We hate having them in the house and we hate having to go over the work and comment on it. I was ready for them to be gone months ago.
End result, I'm tired and sleep doesn't seem to be taking the edge off the exhaustion. And the next few weeks are packed with activities that we can't avoid.
Thanksgiving
It was a good day. We were roasting the turkey, baking pies, and preparing the potatoes for mashing. As I was peeling away, the peeler slipped in my hand and sliced the top of my middle finger. I have to say that I was extremely impressed by the blood splatter pattern that I managed to create in the kitchen. Needless to say, it hurt like hell and I was out of the kitchen for the rest of the food preparation.
Well, K can cook, but she isn't so enthusiastic about doing big meals and she and my mother had to step into to take over. Everything came out very well, but the trouble began with the clean-up.
I don't know if it was that K was pissed that she had to wash dishes or what exactly happened. All of a sudden, her mood switched from fine to black. She explained it as if a light switch had gone off in her head and turned everything black. She basically went immediately into a rage state and retreated to our room. I just assumed that she was angry about having to wash up, but I think that was only incidental.
I worry about my mom seeing this side of K, because I don't want her to worry about me in this relationship. It does concern her. She fears that I am putting myself in a bad situation and having to bear K's illness and moods. It's a natural reaction on her part, but I don't want her having to worry about it. I don't know how to reassure her that things are okay.
K was in an absolutely foul temper. She took a miligram of xanax, which is unusual. Normally, .5 mg. is plenty. K also didn't want me to leave her alone. As I went to leave the room, she lashed out at me to get me to stay and talk to her. After it happened twice, I finally asked if she wanted me to stay. Even though, it was evident, she was unable to express that desire.
I find it demoralizing. She's in remission, yet PMS is still able to take her unawares and affect both of our moods. It didn't ruin the holiday for me, but it certainly cast a pallor over it. Is this how it will always be? I also don't like her relatively new habit of lashing out at me. She never used to behave that way. The way her behavior came across was that she was being an asshole due to my injury.
On top of the xanax, K took 10 mg. ambien to help her sleep. I was exhausted and promptly went to sleep. When I got up the next morning, I found clear evidence that K had been wandering around the house after I went to sleep. The frightening thing is that she had no recollection of having done anything. I assume it was the xanax/ambien combination, but still. . . . She stuffed a rag in a switch box to block the cold air from entering the house and then the next morning commented on how dangerous it is to do that. Yet, she didn't know that she was the culprit.
Things are better. Friday, K felt better though not yet back to normal. All the permutations of what might have happened run through both our heads. Is it that she hadn't put on the hormone patch for the past week? Is it that my mom is staying with us, which is always hard on K? Is it that she forgot her meds (for the first time ever) about 5 days ago? Is it PMS, as my period will start in the next week or so?
The result is this endless list to discover the variable causing the problem and fix it, yet I realize that there is no way to handle all of the variables and they aren't predictable. It's sad and frustrating.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Okay--I will admit that I am waiting to be released early from the office. K's group got to leave and she's been home for a half hour already. I went in to check if there were any early release updates, nope. I was informed that I was fortunate not to be walking out with additional work.
Thanksgiving will be good this year. Lots to be thankful for, especially K's health and the resolution of her job situation. She received the paperwork today confirming her transfer to a permanent position. The basement is nearing completion and our contractors should be painting today. My mom is flying in to spend the holiday with us. We have heat in the house and the basement is insulated, which is great as there's a major cold snap outside.
Each of these things sound small and petty, but they add up to happiness and comfort in my life and home.
Our friend R is continuing to struggle with the death of his brother. He saw his psychiatrist yesterday and I hope it provided him with some relief. He and his partner are going to R's family for Thanksgiving.
I've spoken briefly with our friend S, who had the pyschotic break in late August and we visited over the Labor Day weekend. For about 5-6 weeks, she wasn't returning e-mails or phone calls and just wanted to be left alone. She's being somewhat more social now and not feeling as depressed. She says that she is flat and not really depressed, but not feeling great either.
We are being released at 2:30 pm. Happy Thanksgiving!
Update on L's medical issues and More Mental Health Trauma
Blondzila kindly reminded me that I hadn't taken the time to update any of you on my own medical concerns. A few weeks ago, I had the experience of a fiber optic cable being snaked down by throat to photograph my stomach. K stayed home to chauffeur me to and from the hospital and to take the time to pamper me after the procedure. It was actually a good experience having every wish fulfilled and getting to select the movies for once. K likes thrillers and I like comedies, so we were able to watch my choice. Though one of my selections was Closer, which proved to be a dismal selection. Any case, I am digressing.
My stomach was being snaked due to unexplained stomach pain that I have intermittently suffered from over the past 2 years. Obviously, this wasn't a daily onslaught of pain or I might have gotten off my ass to go see the GI specialist before the 2 years had passed. But K finally forced me to go.
The doctor's initial diagnoses was that I am suffering from acid reflux and have Barrett's esophgus. Well, turns out that he was mistaken. I sent him an e-mail this past week, as I had not yet heard my biopsy results. He called me later in the day and reported that everything was completely normal. Good news, except it doesn't exactly explain the pains that I have had in my stomach.
When I went for my exam in early October, he put me on Protonix to reduce the amount of stomach acid. I griped and groaned about taking a pill and made K set up my pills for me for a couple of days. But I have gotten past that and am willing to set up my own pills now. My sympathies for everyone with a heavy med regime increased greatly. I'm also taking calcium, which helps with menstrual cramps, a daily vitamin, and an allergy med. But back to the Protonix.
The doctor, reasonably, asked me if the med had been helping at all. Naturally, I wasn't able to give any sort of coherent answer, as the pain is so intermittent that it is difficult to tell if the med is helping or if I haven't had another bout. So, as a result the next steps are that I will have a CT scan done in early December (took a month to get the appointment), see the doctor a week after the scan, and continue with the Protonix for 6 months to see if I have any more pain. Personally, I think the whole thing is related to stress and will go away at some point.
Further news:
In August, I wrote about a couple of friends, who were having difficult times with depression. (I would link to the post, but I am using Safari, which makes it difficult to do that.) The male friend, R, is working on his undergraduate degree in a city about 8 hours away. His partner lives here and the two of them carry on a long distance relationship. R has suffered from depression for a long time and has fought hard against taking any sort of medication. His older brother was diagnosed as bipolar and had a drinking problem. So there is some family history of mental illness. Let me also add that we had met all of R's family, which the exception of the older brother.
Last Sunday, a mutual friend stopped by to let us know that R's brother had committed suicide two days ago. We were shocked, as the last news we had heard, R's brother had stopped drinking and was on a regime of meds to help with the bipolar. Last night, R and his partner E showed up at our front door.
R was gray. His face was drawn and lined. His entire affect was deflated. He was wearing a bandana from his brother on his left wrist and his brother's motorcycle boots. R is the type, who usually would have a feather boa thrown around his neck and rarely wears boots of any sort. We invited them in and decided to go out to dinner together. The conversation stayed on fairly light subjects until we returned home from dinner.
R was struggling to make sense of his brother's behavior. He could not understand how his brother could kill himself and leave his 15 year old son without a father. There was guilt that he hadn't been there for his brother and that maybe this could have been prevented. (Let me add that R's brother lived in an area of the country with a severely depressed economy, heavy drinking, and little understanding or access to mental health treatments.)
K spoke very openly about her own two attempts at suicide. Both occurred years before the two of us met. The second time, she came very close to succeeding. She spoke of the unbearable pain and that her actions weren't meant to hurt anyone else. Rather, she acted to try and stop the hurt. I tried to explain how K's thinking had become distorted, when she was in the depths of her illness, and she felt that the best thing she could do was to leave me and free me from my commitment to her. She wanted me to go away, so I would hurt less and she would be free to do as she wished.
We spoke of the meds and the difficulties in finding the right combination. Turns out that R's brother had stopped taking his bipolar meds due to the hallucinations that they gave him. He was also using xanax heavily and stopped using it cold turkey. Additionally, he began to drink again. He had been drinking for several weeks at the time of his suicide.
I don't know if our words helped R. I haven't seen him today. I can only hope that we were able to offer some perspective and insight as to his brother's motivations at the time of his death. I also hope that R begins to seriously address his own depression and realize that he doesn't have to live in pain. And I hope R is able to stop hurting.
Wonderful News
Sorry that I haven't been more communicative of late. Between house projects, colds, and visitors, it has made it difficult to keep up with my blog. But I did want to share some excellent news.
After 11 months of uncertainty and agony over the state of K's job and career, she was told today that the temporary assignment that she's been working on will be made permanent. The paperwork is already in process.
This news brings us relief from the underlying tension that we've been suffering from and the overt tension that struck me over the summer. During the summer, I felt immobilized from fear of what would happen if K would lose her job. Not only the negative impact to K, but my general concern over our finances and how we would continue to afford our lifestyle. Through K's patience and her therapist, I managed to lower my anxiety and trust that K was healthy enough to withstand any blows.
K was right to convince me of her health. She's withstood the uncertainty and the poor treatment in her office to triumph and come through with a permanent job. She's done this without even coming close to a relapse. Most importantly, she's found a work group, whom she likes and who like her in return. Now, if she chooses to look for another job, she'll have the luxury of doing so at her own pace.
Other news, our basement home project is moving forward again. This time it's moving at a very rapid pace. Unfortunately, it appears that we have to rip out the kitchen floor and the bathtub to put in new flooring before the basement can be fully completed. Not what I accounted for either mentally or financially, but we will discuss it more tonight to get some cost and time estimate.
I'll write more in a day or so, but right now I want to savor K's success.
Step in the Right Direction
The
New York Times published an
article talking about how some insurance companies are starting to focus more resources on the prevention and treatment of depression.
I like that the insurance group is starting to encourage doctors to diagnose and treat depression. The one piece that does concern me is that so many primary care doctors don't seem to understand anti-depressant drugs. Either they don't explain the side effects to their patients, so the patients stop taking. Or the lag of 4-12 weeks before improvement is not adequately explained, and the patient becomes impatient with the lack of results.
I know that psychiatrists are in short supply, so the primary care doctors become the responsible parties. However, I would like to see this emphasis accompanied with further training on depression and the medications.
